Day 15

Me for eternity... Ever alone... Flying in space... Dreaming of others but never having... Never satisfied with anything too normal or mundane... Astartiel Alone.

Painting by Paul Klages

Still using the app and it's the weekend so I'm supposed to be happy for free time. Instead, I can only seem to focus on all the things my life lacks - fulfilling work, a good income, a man I love to love me back. And I'm feeling very poor and alone and pathetic today.

And I know there are people living the life I covet and I'm happy for them. I just don't understand why life has consistently dealt me such a raw deal over and over and over again.

And I've tried to change, so many times I have tried, but nothing ever lasts. Ultimately changes are short lived and I go back to the mundane squalor my life has mostly been.

I'm so tired of living this way, with lack, with barely being able to pay for necessities like food & electricity, bills always late, always working jobs I can barely handle and barely like that barely pay enough to keep working at.

And with always being alone, never having anyone I love being in love with me, always falling in love and lust for men I can not have who will never look at me seriously and with equal desire.

But I don't know how to rise above where I am at. I've been so low down for so long I can't really believe in anything better. Yes, I can fantasize and I do, probably too much, but I can't see any real way to create what I desire, not without being other than the person I am, not without sacrificing a bit of my soul to scam or do otherwise morally ambiguous actions to get what I want.

And I'm sure for many people, that would not be a problem. Scam others to sell some product, as long as you get a pay day, who cares? Break hearts and hurt people to get with who you want, as long as you're happy, who cares?

Well, I have never been able to bring myself to live that way. And I've never found an honest way to get those things & people I have wanted in my life to truly become part of my life by their own accord and without any manipulation on my part.

Some would even say my publically writing about such dreams and desires is a form of manipulation, emotional blackmail even. I just feel the need to share how I am feeling today on this blog.

Most days I've been feeling rather cheerful since using this app but today it's like all that sadness, loneliness and helplessness I haven't felt in awhile all came flooding to the surface today of all days.

And all I can think about is if only... if only I had work that I loved doing that paid me a decent wage, if only it was work I could do at home or anywhere on a laptop or even smartphone, if only I had the man I love in love with me, if only hearts didn't have to break to make that a reality, if only my own heart could have some of the things I desire most...

PS - Listened to 15 minute session twice this evening to help me out of this funk. It has helped me see things a bit more clearly.

Also, want to announce my being a legal minister (18 years on April 1st) willing to officiate any odd or alternative event anyone can dream or desire...

https://www.facebook.com/Church-of-the-Green-God-Goddess-579888522070251/?fref=nf

PPS - After you read this, go read the rest of the blog:

http://nztappuser.blogspot.com/