Day 12

Woke up rather well, considering I'd only had about 4 hours sleep. Think the hormonal PMS cocktail is finally wearing off. Stayed up late, vegging on tv shows I enjoy. Our Late Night Free Zone with Exede didn't start till 1:30am last night instead of Midnight (or often earlier) but I was adamant I was going to stay up & watch. So, I did.

One of the shows was The Grinder, with Rob Lowe, who happened to quote & reply to a tweet on Twitter yesterday telling me I should watch the new episode. So, yeah, when Rob Lowe tells you personally to watch something, you do.

But I did get to bed rather late and fell asleep around 4am. It was a little after 8am that I woke up & even though I felt like I had just listened to the app, I started to get up & listen to the app again. I was pretty much awake & didn't see any point in trying to sleep more.

My daughter was already awake (she decided to try an all-nighter & did pretty well, made it to about 8pm this second day), so I couldn't use that as excuse to sleep more.

At around 11am, I was at work again, making sandwiches. Yeah, unfortunately, this work is starting to get old. Glad for the last 10 months of this work. It got me back into the idea of working regularly and it got me back on my feet. I'm starting to buy a car, for the first time, because of this job, but I know I want more than a job like this could ever offer me...

I need to feel like my creativity and my soul are being fulfilled through my work, somehow and no job like this will ever be able to deliver such rewards. Unfortunately, I don't know what work can. Fantasies of being in tv & movies aside (childhood acting fantasies, later I decided directing was cooler), I am interested in so many things but nothing feels truly right for me to do. And I don't know what to do about this.

Anyway, I did manage to get done with work, having listening to the 15 minute session once while there, to defuse the stress I was feeling. And it did help.

Now, I'm back home, nearly Midnight again. Watching episodes of Rush with Tom Ellis (to help pass the time till there is a new Lucifer episode) and wondering what I should be doing with my life, besides this repetitive self-made hell I've created for myself. (Seriously, if I died & found myself having to do this job for eternity, that would be a fitting hell.)

So, knowing I've outgrown this job & the crutch that it served as for me, appreciating my boss for putting up with my lack of punctuality problem and for being so good to me, I am seeking to find a form of employment or a way to make money that works for me at this time in my life.

And I'll probably fall asleep thinking of this problem too.... As I start this cycle over again, another day, another dollar, rinse & repeat...